I wondered why I was "broken" and what was wrong with me.

Fertility journey…it’s such a lonely, difficult road to travel. Sadly, most people don’t discuss their experiences, so those who live through it typically feel like they are battling it alone. How do I know this? I was there.

It took three years. Three long years. Three long, painful years. When my husband and I started trying, I expected to get pregnant quickly. When I still wasn’t pregnant after six months, I started to worry. When I still wasn’t pregnant after a year, I started to get downright crazy. When I went to a fertility specialist, who told me that he didn’t know why my husband and I couldn’t conceive (and, by the way, we still don’t know), I was frustrated, angry, and very sad. When, month after month, I had failed IUIs, I questioned myself…I questioned my body. I hated my body–it was betraying me. I wondered why I was “broken” and what was wrong with me. I expected that IVF would be our solution–and I expected it to work on the first shot. So, when my first IVF failed, I was an absolute mess.

I’m one of the lucky ones. There was a light at the end of my story, a happy ending for me. But, fertility struggles is a pain that never goes away. Despite having successfully made it to the other end of this very rocky road, my heart still breaks every time I hear someone announce they are pregnant. It still stings when people talk about how they “just got pregnant by accident,” or “we weren’t even trying!”

Weirdly, in some ways, I’m glad for this journey. For one thing, it forced me to draw on reserves of strength that I had no idea even existed in me. For another, my husband and I have gone through hell and back together…there’s nothing that can tear a marriage apart, or in our case, make it strong as steel, as our fertility journey did. For these things, I am thankful. For my beautiful almost seven year old twins, I am thankful. I am thankful that I lived this, because now I am able to share my story. Hopefully I can bring some comfort to future moms-and-dads-to-be taking their first lonely, scary steps to their fertility journey.