I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My husband and I met in an international whirlwind romance and then married within 6 months. Everything fell into place from meeting to his moving to the US from France. Everything.

I was 39 turning 40 and had never been pregnant, so I assumed it would be an issue and was prepared for it. But 2 months after we married, sure enough, I was pregnant. Elated, overjoyed and shocked at how simple it was. At 6 weeks, I suffered a terribly painful miscarriage.

Thinking it was so easy the first time, I assumed it should be just as simple the next. Month after month of sore breasts, symptoms etc, yet still not pregnant. What was going on?? We sought medical advice from a doctor who swore he could get me pregnant right away. I was 40 with an AMH of 4.57, FSH 3.3, LH 7.8. 4 failed IUIs later, I couldn’t bear to go to baby showers or hear about others getting pregnant. I was so open about our loss and struggle; yet, where were the others on this journey? I was breaking down. Depression, anxiety, all of it.

It was last August when this doctor recommended IVF. For some reason, that just crushed me. What was wrong with me? But we ventured on and met with a doctor for IVF. We were extremely fortunate with our results. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with a little girl and so grateful. However, this entire journey has shaken me to the core. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cannot bond with the beautiful life in me. The stress and hurt of disappointment month after month doesn’t go away. My heart aches for every woman experiencing this pain. I’m so happy to be part of the conversation.