After 5 miscarriages, I thought I was all out of courage. That inexplicable and precious inner reserve that helps you choose hope over fear. The last loss had been excruciating. We had done IVF with PGS and gotten a single healthy embryo, a girl. She felt so real and we had already named her when we got the news at the 12 week ultrasound that no expectant mother ever wants to hear: no heartbeat.
I’m not sure how I found the courage to try one last time. Maybe it was because my husband and I had decided to try 3 IVF cycles and we had only done 2. Maybe it was his love and support through it all. Or, maybe it was because my then 4 year old daughter so badly wanted a sibling and still talked about her little sister “Lucy who lives on a star.” Maybe it was all the incredible women in my life who were “shaking their pompoms”, cheering me on. For sure all these things helped tip the balance away from the fears of another heartbreak, wasting money, our very low chances because of age/low AMH/previous miscarriages, and most terrifying, bearing the weight of it all if we weren’t able to have another child.
I think a lot about the decision to try one last time. How it changed our lives forever. It made the difference between a whole human or not. A son for me and my husband, a brother for our daughter. I’ll never not marvel at the magnitude of that and feel deeply grateful for the hope that led us here. We only got one egg on our last try. And it was healthy and implanted and grew and I had terrible morning sickness and discomfort…the good kind of pregnancy problems which I welcomed. On Nov 19th, 2017, against all odds, our big, little miracle Elliott arrived. He’s a joyful and sweet little guy, I can’t get enough of him. As a singer-songwriter who has been saved by music many times, I wrote songs along the way to bolster my hope and survive the rollercoaster.