My husband and I got married twice in 2015, and we got pregnant in between our two weddings. It happened so easily, but pregnancy was hard on my body. But, nine months later we welcomed a healthy baby boy! When he was nine months old we decided to try for our second. Again, I got pregnant easily, but when we went for an ultrasound our dates were off. The doctor said it was too early to see a heartbeat and we were asked to come back in a few weeks. So, we decided to go on a trip overseas and headed for our follow up upon our return. I felt morning sickness, tired and pregnant but at that appointment we were told our baby had no heartbeat. I was 10 weeks along and had miscarried.
I was devastated. I felt guilty for going on that trip and I felt as if it were all my fault. But I felt pressure to get pregnant again as quickly as possible. So we tried and nothing was happening. Was I broken? Too old? Was it my husband? Eventually after six months of trying it happened! This pregnancy was filled with anxiety, it was high risk, but we welcomed our rainbow baby girl nine months later!
However, I didn’t feel the joy I thought I should. I started to wish I no longer existed, so I got help and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. My postpartum depression was discovered to be me grieving. I never processed what had happened before and did not let myself heal after the miscarriage. I packed it away. This happens to a lot of people and while I am fine now, I wasn’t ok. It took a few sessions of learning how to come to terms with the loss in order for me to be ok today.