it should be called a miscarriage because we lost what could have been 3 beautiful babies.

James and I met 8 years ago and got married 3 years ago. We have always talked about kids, but our timing wasn’t ideal, as we met right before I started med school. After my first year of residency, we decided that we needed to make time for ourselves and our future family.

Then followed a year of no success and seeing every friend/acquaintance get pregnant; you start to lose hope and try to imagine your life without a baby. And every time we thought about it, it brought me to tears. After our first RE appointment, we had a renewed sense of hope. Unfortunately, we went through 3 cycles without getting to transfer day.

People would ask if the shots hurt, but I would’ve done shots for the rest of my life if it would help us have a baby. I decided to get a second opinion because we were exhausting our savings by that point. Our first round with the new RE resulted in 3 embryos and 2 weeks later… a positive beta! 2 days later, the beta stayed the same … we were having a chemical pregnancy. I really hate that term because it minimizes what it really is; it should be called a miscarriage because we lost what could have been 3 beautiful babies.

I hit rock bottom, I had never been so crushed in my life. Before my next cycle, I decided to do a pregnancy test at home and it was positive. After 2 long years! We had been told that we couldn’t get pregnant without IVF, so we were in disbelief! It became more real after the first ultrasound, but now I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop… I think it’s just part of your story when you struggle with infertility. Even now, 17 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, few people know because I’m still afraid of what could happen.

I also have survivors’ guilt, because I feel so deeply for my TTC sisters that it is hard to see them hurt. Infertility changes you as a person, but if you can somehow find your happiness in this mess, you will emerge a much stronger person than you ever could have imagined.