Don’t we look cute and cozy? Don’t I look like a natural? You would never know that I was just “going through the motions”. Holding my baby, feeding him, pretending to bond until my hubby came home and I could cry in bed. You’d never know I felt like I was dying inside. Crippled with anxiety, riddled with guilt for having my baby then having postpartum depression. I was feeling betrayed that no one told me this could happen. Feeling alone because I didn’t know anyone else this happened to. And, I was feeling confused because I had support, help, friends and a loving family.
I chose to be a mom. I was so excited to be a mom. When I became a mom, I didn’t want to be one anymore. I was falling apart and questioning how this could happen to me because I wanted this. And I truly believed I was the only new mom who had to go to therapy appointments and start taking antidepressants. Postpartum blues is real.
That was 5 years ago. Wow, time flies. Right now, I’m sitting on the couch next to my son as we take it easy from the MRI he had yesterday. We do this once a year since they found a tiny mark on his brain after having atypical febrile seizures. Yesterday, I took my baby back to the room where he sat on my lap and squirmed in my arms as he breathed in sleeping gas. I kissed him on the forehead and anxiously walked to the waiting room, holding back tears, praying to a higher power to keep him safe, that the mark remains unchanged and he would wake up (he did and quickly reminded the nurses he gets a popsicle).
These moments are hard and scary. They are the moments that show me what I’m made of as a mom and a woman. I fought hard to become the mom I am today, strong, madly in love with her son, who even though it’s so hard to witness, won’t let anyone else be the one to go back with him for anesthesia.
Sometimes we focus so much on the journey to meet our babies and then it doesn’t turn out like we thought. PPD, PPA, guilt, meds, etc. Let’s talk more about this. Don’t suffer in silence.