After two natural miscarriages, we found out we were pregnant again. I was hesitant because of my previous multiple miscarriages. And because I had a little brown spotting when I got my positive test. My blood test numbers looked ok but didn’t quite double. At the sonogram, there was a FLICKER of a heartbeat but we couldn’t pick up the sound. Just like my last sonogram, there was a small bleed. My doctor had me squeeze in a sonogram for the following week and gave me directions if I started bleeding over the weekend. We made it to the next sonogram but were unable to see a flicker. The bleed had grown. I didn’t even cry. My doctor told me we would be referred to a fertility clinic, but first, we would have a d&c and test the embryo. Each step is a data point.
I felt nothing. Honestly, this recovery was much better than both natural miscarriages. That was the worst pain of my life. The emotional pain was different. This time, I was so disconnected from the pregnancy. I felt like my intuition knew, but I also don’t trust my intuition anymore. I started to feel worthless. Luckily, I talked to someone and am feeling much better, but the truth is, depression and infertility are linked. It picks at you every day. It makes you question every decision you’ve ever made.
I’ve continued to hear well-meaning remarks like, “it will happen for you” and “your rainbow baby is coming.” But I just want to tell them: YOU can’t see the future, and you DON’T know what’s coming for me or for our family. I DO believe we will have a family. I’m scared of what that will look like. I worry that I won’t be able to carry a child. I worry that there is something wrong with me. I’m grateful for a supportive family and husband. I am grateful for this journey because I have learned how precious life is. It has helped me examine so much about myself. It’s crazy to say that because I do feel it is unfair. But what can I do? I’m choosing to move forward with these next steps one day at a time and see where this road leads.