All I remember when I woke up in the recovery room was asking the nurse "Is she alive?"

All I remember when I woke up in the recovery room was asking the nurse “Is she alive?” She didn’t reply. When the doctor came to see me I asked her and she smiled. But it wasn’t the smile I was looking for. You know the smile that has lost the smile? You know what I mean. My heart sank, I stayed quiet.

I was induced at 40 weeks. After having a c section four years back with my other child, the doctors said I had all the right reasons to have a vaginal birth. I didn’t want to take that decision on my own. So we went with what they said.

As I was about to deliver, the doctors did an ultrasound, her face went pale and she flew me to the operating room, I was given another shot of epidural on the way. Literally thrown on the table; I was throwing up; the anesthesiologist was standing right next to me and said “you have delivered your baby but she is not crying”. There a was a long pause, “some babies don’t cry” she said and put a mask on me.

I went from the recovery room, back to birthing unit and saw my husband. He was emotionally traumatized and said “I don’t know what’s going on the baby is in the NICU.” She was alive, that was a relief.

I had a uterine rupture which is very rare. No one expected that to happen, and it caused me to loose a lot of blood. My baby girl had to be resuscitated which took 17 minutes and had to be treated for Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy (HIE). Her MRI came back normal which is not less than a miracle. We stayed in the hospital for two weeks and then finally were able to come home.

My daughter was born after we were told we can’t have more babies because my AMH levels were too low, and there was no hope with IVF. I conceived my miracle baby after three miscarriages and we survived all odds. But her birth has left me traumatized. I wake up each day to “What if?”.