I was nervous to start trying to get pregnant, because I didn’t know if I was ready for such a big life change. Additionally, I wasn’t sure my husband and I had spent enough time doing “us”. I didn’t think I traveled enough, or had my career all worked out. What I didn’t realize was how difficult it could be to get pregnant or to stay pregnant.
When we did start, we got pregnant quickly. I was shocked and excited. 5 weeks into my pregnancy, I started having bad cramping and some bleeding. Friends assured me this was normal, but I went so far down the rabbit hole on Google and got a million different answers. I finally went in for an HCG test and it it showed my levels were not increasing enough. The doctor told me to hope for the best, but expect the worse. For 3 weeks, I cramped and bled and wondered if the pregnancy would survive.
Finally, one night at I started having the most awful cramps and bleeding. I was having a miscarriage, but I was in too much physical pain to feel the loss. The next week I felt hollow and empty. It didn’t help to hear how “common” it is and that “at least I could get pregnant.” Nothing stopped the disappointment. I didn’t understand why it looked so easy for everyone else to stay pregnant.
3 months later, I was lucky to be pregnant again. I went for an early ultrasound, and the tech looked at me with a very concerned face. I nearly jumped off the table, convinced she saw something wrong with the pregnancy. She said, “Sorry, it is just that we see two. They are in the same sac, they are identical.” I cried because at that moment I realized that my mom, who had died 3 years earlier, was watching out for me. I was given back the soul I had lost before.
The boys were sharing the same placenta, which can be dangerous. At 9 weeks, I went to a high-risk doctor. I was told that one of the twins had a 90% chance of having hydrops, a severe, life-threatening condition. She even brought up a selective abortion and was worried that both twins would have this because they were identical. They told me to wait for a miscarriage, but that they would test me again at 13 weeks with a CVS test. My husband and I already had a celebration trip planned to Hawaii, and we decided to go and think positive thoughts, ask people to pray for us, and hope for the best.
I packed pain killers in case I had a miscarriage again and worried day and night if the babies inside of me were going to survive. At 13 weeks I went in for the CVS test. I waited 2 weeks for the results. And, I tried to wear baggy clothes so I wouldn’t have to tell people I was pregnant when I was not sure if the pregnancy was going to be viable. The call finally came – we had two healthy baby boys.
I cried so hard. I couldn’t believe they were really healthy. The rest of my pregnancy I was monitored very closely for twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome and preeclampsia. Finally, at 34 weeks and 5 days my water broke. I had a C-section and gave birth to Winston and Ryder, my beautiful twin boys. They spent two weeks in the NICU, because they did not know how to feed. Now 7 months later, they are 22 pounds. The whole experience taught me to believe in miracles, and that people are watching over me. I will always remember June 9th the due date of my first pregnancy, but I truly feel like I have the children I was meant to have.