I was afraid to allow myself to feel excited or relieved.

Our journey began in June of 2016. We wanted to start a family, and I went off the pill. While I had heard several fertility nightmares, I never thought that it would be me.

We tried for 6 long months, and I finally became pregnant in December of 2016. At my 6-week appointment, the heartbeat was very low. At the next checkup 10 days later, there was no heartbeat. My worst fear had come true.

I didn’t understand how this could happen to me. I did everything right. I worked out, ate healthy and followed all of the protocols for a healthy pregnancy. The next months were certainly some of the darkest I’d ever faced. My body didn’t regulate for about 7 months after the procedure. Tears, anxiety, and depression took over. Some of the hardest parts were being around pregnant friends, seeing pregnant people at the gym, and reading friends’ announcements on social media. I felt sorry for myself and was ready to give up. My husband Josh and my family/close friends couldn’t have been more supportive. I knew Josh was hurting too, but he stayed strong for me, for us, reminding me how lucky we were to have each other. I am forever grateful for his unconditional love and support. This experience has made us much stronger as individuals and as a couple.

This past summer we decided to go to a fertility specialist. This included regular blood tests, 1 round of clomid, 2 rounds of letrozole, 3 trigger shots, and 3 IUIs. Thankfully, I finally became pregnant the last go around. I was conflicted when hearing the wonderful news. I was afraid to allow myself to feel excited or relieved. It took me the first trimester until I could finally feel the joy and excitement that comes with pregnancy. I’m now in the second trimester, and we have been blessed with a healthy baby girl who will arrive in July. It still doesn’t feel real.

Throughout this journey I’ve discovered that many others have their own stories but are hesitant to open up. For me, talking about my experiences has helped me grow. I can only hope that telling my story here will help at least one person going through a similar experience.