My whole life I’ve dreamt of being a mother. Having three brothers who I treated like baby dolls for far too long, it was all I ever wanted. After two years of marriage, I was finally able to convince my husband it was time to start trying. Though, in my gut, I knew it would be hard for me to conceive.
After a year of one chemical pregnancy and no other signs of success, we started Clomid which brought us two early miscarriages. It was grueling and heartbreaking to come to terms with the fact that we needed to go see a specialist. Fast forward months that seemed to last years, we endured four failed rounds of IUI and two full & failed rounds of IVF, all of which yielded no results and also no diagnosis…we needed a break.
Our hearts were broken and it was impossible to stay positive. We decided to take a small hiatus. Much to our surprise we found out we were pregnant in October 2017 – all on our own! The numbers never looked good but the ultrasounds showed progression in the right direction, until Thanksgiving — a fourth miscarriage. I needed time for myself and started an open, honest, and somewhat funny website as an outlet for myself. Taking six months off before our next IVF, let me use writing as my outlet, take care of my mental & physical health, and regain control of my life.
Our third round of IVF in May brought us our light at the end of the tunnel. A true miracle (although I’d never been a believer in those). This was our first pregnancy with IVF, and while elated, I held my breath for 9 months & still pinch myself to make sure he’s real. The journey is awful – tests your strength, wrenches your gut. But knowing you’re not alone helps even the darkest of days have some light. Women were made for this. We can endure the pain of the journey to motherhood, no matter how hard, no matter what.